Hi. I haven't posted anything here for a while. I couldn't bring myself to a place that I can put myself out there for the public to view. Although I thought about blogging as a therapy to my condition.
I am suffering from depression. I have no idea for how long, but it became extreme when i was laid-off in January from a very good job that I had just landed 3 months earlier. Prior to that, I was unemployed for 8 months. In those 8 months, I woke up with a sense of optimism, and began each day anew looking for a job, or a consulting position or a bartender job.
I landed a nice job in NYC that paid very well. I upgraded my entire wardrobe with new suits, new shoes, new shirts, new ties. I really enjoyed the bus ride to/from the city, and it was a blast being in the most exiting, vibrant place in the world. I was downsized after 3 months (last in/first out).
This was devastating. I now had to start all over with the job search, but with one major difference: I found that my optimism reserves completely drained ... replaced with feelings of being worthless/helpless/hopeless. I couldn't even get out of bed. I ate because I had to, I bathed because I had to. I put on the best face I could in front of my children, but it was difficult at times to hide the tears.
During this period, my inner scream was deafening with terrible thoughts. I feared the kitchen and thankfully i had nothing more powerful than an aspirin in the house.
I had a girlfriend until April. But she too suffers from depression. She could not help me and it became a further downward spiral with her, so I probably did the best thing I could do: I broke up with her.
I read an article somewhere about a guy who was in a similar situation. He had made a decision to get a dog. As he described it, having something around that is an eternal optimist, always happy, and gives you unconditional love is a tremendous gift. So, after always having cats as pets, I shocked everyone (including my kids) and got a dog.
Bella saved me. She gave me a reason to get up in the morning, she got me off the couch. She jump started my attitude. I got her in May from Animal Rescue (this is another story), and she gave me the courage to reach out for help. I began seeing a therapist, but it was Bella who's therapy of her happiness and optimism that really worked.
I landed a job in September and it is going very well. I feel better about myself but I know that I still suffer from depression. Depression isn't something that can be turned on and off, it can be controlled, but it can't be eliminated. I am now way to busy to focus on that.
With all of that said, I hope to begin blogging again because my inner scream has finally quieted down do a dull roar, and there are lots of things to scream at.