I Payed my mortgage today, and I feel great! Why you may ask?
After months of being unable to pay due to a jobless lifestyle... after months of working with the banks to stave off foreclosure (and it came real close)... after months of re-negotiating rates and terms and loan modifications.... notaries and certified checks....I payed the mortgage for the 1st time since April.
Right up until last week, I was still getting notices from the banks lawyers regarding foreclosure procedures, I was getting letters from local lawyers as recently as yesterday saying 'so.. your in foreclosure... use me!'.
My anxiety level was rising to a point of physical pain. The knot in my chest had been growing so slowly that I didn't realize how bad it was until a very close friend noticed and helped to ease it. She didn't say anything that I didn't already know, but the way she said it was a major kick in my ass, and sometimes a person needs a slap in the face to wake them up from the funk that the person has put himself in.
I still didn't realize why it was happening, I thought it was job related. I had some time yesterday driving for 3 hours to think more about it. Although the job is stressful, the thought of losing my house represented a more powerful emotional reaction. Emotions range from being a lousy parent who can't keep a roof over his children's heads, feelings of inadequacy from being unable to meet my obligations, feelings of guilt for making poor decisions in purchasing the house in the 1st place, feelings of shame for procrastinating for not taking care of things in the proper time frame, feelings of dread of what will happen when they take my home away.
I can now understand how all of these emotions can overwhelm and devastate a person to a point of unable to live with it. A great quote from the movie Shawshank Redemption comes to mind.... 'Get busy living, or get busy dying'. I have made a choice: I will get busy living.
So, this morning, i FINALLY went online to gmac to attempt to pay the mortgage thinking that I wouldn't be able to due to the foreclosure notices. I logged in, and it allowed me to pay!!! The knot in my chest eased considerably, and now.. .I just feel stupid for not doing this sooner, and incredibly grateful for having such great friends. The sun is shining, and I think I'll take the kids shopping for some new living room furniture to improve my home.
UPDATE: It figures... A disk drive on my company's production ERP system failed, so I have to go to work today to meet the Hp tech so he/she can fix it. So.. bundle up the kids and drive to Philly. However, the knot didn't get tighter... its still a beautiful day and I'm enjoying being with my kids...no matter where we are and what we are doing.