My Inner Scream

As you can see, my blog is named 'My Inner Scream'.  I chose this name for a reason, but when I chose it, I didn't know how apropos the name really was.

Most people have an inner monologue.  That voice inside your head that you can debate with, think with, plan with, review past events with etc.  It is the sounding board for editing what will eventually come out of your mouth.  When working properly, it filters out the  improper behaviors or inappropriate responses.

I say most people have this function working properly.  Some do not.  My youngest does not have an inner monologue, it all comes out of her mouth without any editing at all.  There are many clinical names for this and many types of remedies, but that isn't the focus of this discussion.  She is a very happy, intelligent person who just needs to fine tune her editing skills.

When something out of the ordinary happens, that inner voice begins screaming "LOOK OUT!".  It's what causes the hair at the back of your neck to stand up and to get you to pay close attention to your surroundings and to ensure your speech filters are more tuned than normal.  For instance, you are driving your car and your '6th' sense is warning you something is amiss.  You look over your shoulder and another car is in your blind spot moving into the lane you are moving into as well.  This is your Inner Scream at work.

I suffer from hearing loss in one ear, and due to the specific injury i suffered when I was 5, I constantly have a high pitched ringing called tinnitus.  It is always there and there is no cure.  All one can do is ignore it, but it is always there.  Ive had 40 years of practice at ignoring it and i'm quite good at it.

What if there are so many things going amiss that your Inner Monologue is constantly screaming at you?  At the time I created this blog, This was the situation I was in.  The job was a hassle, I was going through a divorce, I had financial problems etc.  Everything I was doing seamed to be screaming at me.  At some point, all one can do is ignore it as if it was tinnitus.

As time went on, I became unemployed again.  But this time, it affected me more than I could imagine.  Now I am jobless, house in foreclosure etc.  The racket cannot be ignored any longer.  The din in my head is deafening to a point that it affects everything I do.  It is difficult to do the things that needs to be done.  In more quiet moments I can look around and see what is happening as it manifests itself in my surroundings.  My house is a mess, simple things like paying bills, bathing, getting dressed, laundry or signing up for food stamps etc., aren't taken care of.  I look around and the screaming become louder to take care of things!

I have immersed myself in stupid things to keep me from thinking about my problems: political discussions, TV, online games.  I used to like to read books. I find that I cannot focus on reading because it is too noisy inside to concentrate.

The image on my blog is a perfect representation of how I feel... hands against my ears and screaming back.  At first when I started this blog, the screaming back was in defiance that I CAN and I WILL.  I used this blog as an outlet --- to give written voice to that inner scream.  As time went on and the inner scream didn't subside no matter what I did including therapy.  There was so much screaming that it became overwhelming to write it out.  My screaming back became that of anguish that I was losing the battle.  Unfortunately, now my screaming back resembles the picture perfectly in that it is a scream of utter despair.  I am so overwhelmed by my inner scream.  I don't sleep much and when I wake up most every day wishing that I hadn't.

I hate to admit this but I have shut down almost completely.  Even the activities that I enjoyed such as woodworking and playing my guitar hold no release, no joy nor distraction from my inner scream.  I still go through the motions of searching for work.  I've even had some interviews.  But i fear my passion for IT has also left me and it shows in my voice.  I muster enough enthusiasm when my kids are around, but I just hope I'm not doing them more harm than good.  

One of the reasons I got a dog was to distract them from seeing me as I really am, and to distract me from the inner scream.  Who can be sad with that extremely cute, shaggy face, floppy-eared waggie-tailed doggie around.  When Bella is around, things kinda seem normal.  She has saved my life on numerous occasions and continues to do so.  I take her almost everywhere I go.  She makes everyone smile.  She forces me to get outside a few times a day.

There is no doubt I suffer from depression in the clinical sense.  If you read this, you will have a glimpse into how depression works on people and how they feel.  I had a girlfriend of almost 10 years who suffered from depression and I only caught glimpses of this.  I now know exactly what she is going through.  I broke up with her because as I was sliding hard into depression, all she could do is empathize.  She could not help.  Also, I felt unworthy of being loved nor can I return love because I don't even like myself.  

I am not writing this to gain sympathy!  I don't want it!  No depressed person wants anyone's sympathy.  It only makes us feel worse.  You cannot tell me anything I don't already know and when you try, it makes me feel worse.  Don't tell me 'Do it for your kids.'  I already know this and it just comes off as condescending.  I have alienated several people already by telling them this.  I know the people around me who love me hate seeing this and I know you feel powerless to help.  I truly am sorry, and believe me, it just adds more fuel to the inner scream.  What is a good thing to say is 'I am here for you'...and to be there when we choose to talk about it... but don't respond back with condescending remarks... just listen.

Why am I writing this... why now?  Because something may be happening to change all of this.  I don't want to get into too many details until I know this will work.  I have embarked on a program that hopefully will change the way I think, live and work.  This has the potential to repair my body, mind and soul.  If this works, I'll describe what happened.

Suffice it to say that I started the program today.  I wrote all of this because for the 1st time in a very long time I woke up looking forward to the day.  I feel a little better and the screaming inside has subsided enough to write this out.  I think the 1st step to repairing myself is to repair my body.  I am at 180 pounds and 38 inches around. I will be tracking this all month and I'll post the results here weekly.

Wish me luck!

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