Progress Report -- Week1

This is the 1st full week on this new program.  I kinda feel like I woke up from a very long sleep.  Woke up groggy and wondering where the heck am I?  I feel like I'm beginning to get my head straight.  I opened my eyes just a little further and saw my house.  I closed them shut again!  But... opened them up reluctantly to see that I have lots of work to do to get the place in order.  Its a beginning.

Things are still overwhelming, but I feel much better this past week.  I have to rediscover the mental toughness that I had several years ago.  It won't happen overnight, but I'm encouraged so far with the progress.

I laughed this weekend.  Its a very common experience for most people, but not for me in a very long time.  Most people laugh and feel better afterwards.  That's why we laugh... to feel better and put aside problems for just a little bit. Yeah, I fake laugh a lot to keep up appearances but it isn't the feel better kind of laugh.

I laughed this weekend because of something my eldest did.  She played a practical joke on me that a week  before, I would have been very angry.  She put a rubber band around the kitchen sink spritzer and made sure it was aimed well.  So when I turned on the faucet, I got a blast of water in my face.  Of course the entire kitchen was hosed down too before I stopped the water.  It was a great joke executed very well!  Seeing my eldest's face trying to hold back the mirth... waiting for my reaction to know if she needed to run to the next county... I laughed.  And when I was done laughing, I gave her a big hug and some sponges to clean the mess up.

It felt good to laugh.  I hope to do it more.  Its a beginning.

Back to the program.  I am learning lots and I'm losing weight!  I have now lost 2 pounds already!  My energy levels are very good.  I don't feel run down anymore.  I hope to start putting the rest of the items together this week so I can start to earn some money from this.  More to follow when I know more if this will work or not.

My Inner Scream

As you can see, my blog is named 'My Inner Scream'.  I chose this name for a reason, but when I chose it, I didn't know how apropos the name really was.

Most people have an inner monologue.  That voice inside your head that you can debate with, think with, plan with, review past events with etc.  It is the sounding board for editing what will eventually come out of your mouth.  When working properly, it filters out the  improper behaviors or inappropriate responses.

I say most people have this function working properly.  Some do not.  My youngest does not have an inner monologue, it all comes out of her mouth without any editing at all.  There are many clinical names for this and many types of remedies, but that isn't the focus of this discussion.  She is a very happy, intelligent person who just needs to fine tune her editing skills.

When something out of the ordinary happens, that inner voice begins screaming "LOOK OUT!".  It's what causes the hair at the back of your neck to stand up and to get you to pay close attention to your surroundings and to ensure your speech filters are more tuned than normal.  For instance, you are driving your car and your '6th' sense is warning you something is amiss.  You look over your shoulder and another car is in your blind spot moving into the lane you are moving into as well.  This is your Inner Scream at work.

I suffer from hearing loss in one ear, and due to the specific injury i suffered when I was 5, I constantly have a high pitched ringing called tinnitus.  It is always there and there is no cure.  All one can do is ignore it, but it is always there.  Ive had 40 years of practice at ignoring it and i'm quite good at it.

What if there are so many things going amiss that your Inner Monologue is constantly screaming at you?  At the time I created this blog, This was the situation I was in.  The job was a hassle, I was going through a divorce, I had financial problems etc.  Everything I was doing seamed to be screaming at me.  At some point, all one can do is ignore it as if it was tinnitus.

As time went on, I became unemployed again.  But this time, it affected me more than I could imagine.  Now I am jobless, house in foreclosure etc.  The racket cannot be ignored any longer.  The din in my head is deafening to a point that it affects everything I do.  It is difficult to do the things that needs to be done.  In more quiet moments I can look around and see what is happening as it manifests itself in my surroundings.  My house is a mess, simple things like paying bills, bathing, getting dressed, laundry or signing up for food stamps etc., aren't taken care of.  I look around and the screaming become louder to take care of things!

I have immersed myself in stupid things to keep me from thinking about my problems: political discussions, TV, online games.  I used to like to read books. I find that I cannot focus on reading because it is too noisy inside to concentrate.

The image on my blog is a perfect representation of how I feel... hands against my ears and screaming back.  At first when I started this blog, the screaming back was in defiance that I CAN and I WILL.  I used this blog as an outlet --- to give written voice to that inner scream.  As time went on and the inner scream didn't subside no matter what I did including therapy.  There was so much screaming that it became overwhelming to write it out.  My screaming back became that of anguish that I was losing the battle.  Unfortunately, now my screaming back resembles the picture perfectly in that it is a scream of utter despair.  I am so overwhelmed by my inner scream.  I don't sleep much and when I wake up most every day wishing that I hadn't.

I hate to admit this but I have shut down almost completely.  Even the activities that I enjoyed such as woodworking and playing my guitar hold no release, no joy nor distraction from my inner scream.  I still go through the motions of searching for work.  I've even had some interviews.  But i fear my passion for IT has also left me and it shows in my voice.  I muster enough enthusiasm when my kids are around, but I just hope I'm not doing them more harm than good.  

One of the reasons I got a dog was to distract them from seeing me as I really am, and to distract me from the inner scream.  Who can be sad with that extremely cute, shaggy face, floppy-eared waggie-tailed doggie around.  When Bella is around, things kinda seem normal.  She has saved my life on numerous occasions and continues to do so.  I take her almost everywhere I go.  She makes everyone smile.  She forces me to get outside a few times a day.

There is no doubt I suffer from depression in the clinical sense.  If you read this, you will have a glimpse into how depression works on people and how they feel.  I had a girlfriend of almost 10 years who suffered from depression and I only caught glimpses of this.  I now know exactly what she is going through.  I broke up with her because as I was sliding hard into depression, all she could do is empathize.  She could not help.  Also, I felt unworthy of being loved nor can I return love because I don't even like myself.  

I am not writing this to gain sympathy!  I don't want it!  No depressed person wants anyone's sympathy.  It only makes us feel worse.  You cannot tell me anything I don't already know and when you try, it makes me feel worse.  Don't tell me 'Do it for your kids.'  I already know this and it just comes off as condescending.  I have alienated several people already by telling them this.  I know the people around me who love me hate seeing this and I know you feel powerless to help.  I truly am sorry, and believe me, it just adds more fuel to the inner scream.  What is a good thing to say is 'I am here for you'...and to be there when we choose to talk about it... but don't respond back with condescending remarks... just listen.

Why am I writing this... why now?  Because something may be happening to change all of this.  I don't want to get into too many details until I know this will work.  I have embarked on a program that hopefully will change the way I think, live and work.  This has the potential to repair my body, mind and soul.  If this works, I'll describe what happened.

Suffice it to say that I started the program today.  I wrote all of this because for the 1st time in a very long time I woke up looking forward to the day.  I feel a little better and the screaming inside has subsided enough to write this out.  I think the 1st step to repairing myself is to repair my body.  I am at 180 pounds and 38 inches around. I will be tracking this all month and I'll post the results here weekly.

Wish me luck!

I beg to differ Mr President

Via Drudge:

NEW YORK (CBS) — After suffering a “shellacking” in the midterm elections, President Obama acknowledges what many have seen as his chief weakness – failing to sell the importance of several legislative milestones to the American people.

“I think that’s a fair argument. I think that, over the course of two years we were so busy and so focused on getting a bunch of stuff done that, we stopped paying attention to the fact that leadership isn’t just legislation. That it’s a matter of persuading people. And giving them confidence and bringing them together. And setting a tone,” Mr. Obama told 60 Minutes’ Steve Kroft in an exclusive interview set to air Sunday.

Mr. President, I think you were very successful in delivering your message. Your problem is that no one was buying it! No matter how much you sell, wrap up your terrible policies with guilded words read from your teleprompter, 'we the people' are smart enough to see through the lipstick to know that we didnt want what was being sold. Nor do 'we the people' like having bad policies rammed down our throats without debates and without a proper reading of the legislation. Us dumb folks don't like people who say 'we need to pass this so we can know what's in it'.

Even those hayseeds from Kansas know that when you buy a car, you need to know what kind of engine it has. Only a true idiot would purchase something that expensive and not know what they are buying. No Mr. President, those people you talk down to and your colleagues like Pelosi, Reid, Kerry et al. who publicly call us morons have purchased a big box full of shit. Who are the idiots?

The election of 2010 -- Rejecting Liberal Policies

The election of 2010 was a complete rejection of the Democrat's liberal policies.  This rejection wasn't just at the federal level either.  State and local elections saw a tidal wave of Republicans being elected.     People are now recognizing that government IS the problem, not the solution and have elected those politicians who advocate for a limited, less intrusive government at all levels.

Historic GOP Gains in State Legislatures

• Going into the 2010 election, Democrats held 60 partisan legislative chambers and Republicans held 36, with a couple of ties.

• It looks like the GOP has picked up an astounding 20 chambers, including both houses in Alabama, Maine, Minnesota, New Hampshire, North Carolina, and Wisconsin and additional chambers in Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Montana, New Hampshire, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.

• In total legislative seats, it is possible that after all the results are posted, Republicans will have won a nationwide majority.

• Republicans haven’t enjoyed this much power in state capitals since the 1920s.

This rejection wasn't exactly nationwide, however.  There were a few hold-out states --- NY, NJ, CA, MA, WA --- that are so overwhelmingly liberal that this election had virtually no effect.  But, races that should have been cake walks for Liberals were much closer than expected.  The people of those states need to suffer another 2 years of crushing debt and bad policies before the rising red tide can impact these states as well.  NJ has a fighting chance to curb Liberal policies due to Governor Chris Christie who has already made significant gains by taking on unions, special interests and insuring sound fiscal policies.

I believe 'We the People' have woken up to the destructive policies of the left and are saying finally 'enough is enough'.  WTP DON’T want to be told what light bulb or toilet bowl to use; we DON'T want to be told what kind of car to drive; we DON'T want to be told what doctor to see; we DON'T want nationalized healthcare; we DON'T want crushing national debt left to our children; and we certainly DON'T want a nameless, faceless Washington bureaucrat telling us how to raise our kids.

Now a note to the GOP---  Remember those that got you where you are; Conservatives.  Remember that several squishy Republicans were replaced in the primaries by Conservative Republicans.  We are watching you and we will not forget.  We are fired up and very active and will remain so for quite some time.  2012 will see a new President and it should see a new Senate leadership as well.

perhaps a better image for my blog?

Are We are Facing the Greatest Threat to Humanity?

We are Facing the Greatest Threat to Humanity: Only Fundamental Change Can Save Us | | AlterNet

Here is the money quote: "A 'wild law' is a law to regulate human behaviour in order to protect the integrity of the earth and all species on it".

In order to do this, you need to change all governments to a totalitarian dictatorship in order to attempt to regulate human behavior. You must take away everyone's freedom. You must regulate or take over all industries to a central planning agency.

Time after time, attempts to regulate human behavior has failed. It has NEVER worked and it never will. Humans believe they have a basic right to be free and do not wish to be regulated. China has tried this. They even took people's right to have children away. Russia has tried this and i remember stories of people lining up just to purchase toilet paper. Witness North Korea who can't even afford to keep its lights on at night.

Time after time, each attempt has failed because the attempt always left the country in ruins without the proper resources left to protect its own citizens, let alone the environment. Look at the pollution in China or the nuclear meltdown in Chernobyl as examples of what happens when resources are depleted with communism/socialism/totalitarianism.

It takes resources to protect our environment. The worst thing you can do is to confiscate money from those entities that generate these resources. The USA is the richest country on this earth and this country does more FOR the environment than any other country and we do it of our own free will. Can we do more... sure we can. But when you confiscate wealth, that wealth cannot then be used to generate more wealth and we will become poor, without funds to do what is needed for the environment.

The question: "Are We are Facing the Greatest Threat to Humanity?" can be answered: Yes, and the threat is coming from this author and her ilk who think they can control human behavior, setting trees, animals and bugs above human beings. This is the greatest threat to humanity and our way of life and freedom.

As an side, the author's premise is completely off base. Most of the assertions have been proven false. For example, our overall temperature has not been rising at all over the last 15 years.

Why is there a Tea Party?

What is so difficult to understand about the tea party? This is not a tail wag dog situation. This is an organic movement by people who are genuinely angry that our fedgov is completely out of control and spending money like drunken sailors. Our fedgov derives its power from 'we the people'... not the other way around. 

This movement, just as the Boston Patriots did , decided to DO something about it.  It didn’t start off as a state sponsored activity, it started with 'we the people' and it grew from there.   Of course money is flowing to the Tea Party... just as money and materials flowed to the patriots in Boston to hold off the British.  As opposed to unions confiscating money from its members to support the dems as well  as George Soros and other deep pocketed people purchasing true astroturf ops.  

We witnessed several very large protest rallies held by the Tea Party than no one was paid to attend.   We witnessed the liberal rally where unions had to pay people to attend and teacher unions bused their kids to the rally regardless if the kids wanted to attend.  There is another liberal rally upcoming that deep pocketed liberals are paying people to attend.   If this was grass-roots, then no one should be paid to attend because if people feel strongly enough about the issues, they'd attend on their own.  No, The Tea Party movement is  the real deal.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."  -- The Declaration of Independence.http://www.ushistory.org/declaration/document/

How can I say our fedgov is out of control? Our tax code has thousands of IF statements each designed to make us unequal; when fedgov can force you to buy a certain toilet or light bulb; when fedgov endeavors to treat people unequally solely based upon the color of their skin or gender; when fedgov takes over entire industries; when fedgov passes laws to force a citizen to purchase something just so it can be regulated; when a fedgov refuses to even protect our borders and denigrates states who have the audacity to protect it's citizens; when fedgov spends billions on a nebulous concept that has been proven false repeatedly (global warming) etc.  This is the tyranny that 'we the people' fought against over 200 years ago and we must fight against it today.

No, I'm not advocating a new way to selecting our congressmen and president. the Tea Party is working within the constitutional framework and removing GOP via primaries and now removing DEMS via the general election.  This is true democracy in action and it should be celebrated.  Republicans have ceded the debate when they say 'lets not spend as much on federal program' or 'I don't like their big government ideas so lets try our big government ideas'.  The debate needs to be brought back to 'Why should fedgov be involved in these things?'.  That, first and foremost needs to be debated.

I am not a cold and heartless person.  I share the same values that most people do.  The problem with our current fedgov is that it IS cold and heartless, no matter how much money and programs it creates.  Once you recognize this simple fact, then you'll  then come to the conclusion that these programs do not belong at this level but at the state and local level.  Our founders recognized this fact and wrote it into the USC.  'The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.'  It was this recognition that the values of Massachusetts may not be the same as Virginia.   It is the same today as it was back then, that each state has a different set of values .  Slavery was an issue that couldn’t be resolved immediately but they understood that eventually the 'all men are created equal' would abolish slavery once and for all.

For example, if California decides it wants to have state run health care then let them. If people feel this is a great thing and want to pay higher taxes for it then move to California.  If Alabama wants to allow its residence to choose their healthcare plan thus making it cheaper due to increased competition, then  so be it.   This is just one of many examples of differences  in the approach to achieve the same goals.  'We the People' will decide what is best for themselves and make life decisions accordingly.  We have seen over several decades now that people are rejecting the liberal policies of NY, CA, MI, et al. and moving to more business and individual friendly states like AR, TX and FL.  We see this in the numbers of congressional seats  changing from liberal states to conservative states.  This is also the free market at work for people of free will.

I welcome the debate as you can tell. There is a proper role for fedgov, lets debate that first because unless you fully understand our concepts as laid out by the DOI and US Constitution, then what you have left is trying to defend the indefensible.

Mr. Prez, I am frustrated

Yes, I'm getting frustrated with stories of booms sitting in a Maine warehouse unused, of refusal to get international help, of supplies not getting here because of incorrect paperwork, of Governors requesting things and not getting answers, of knee-jerk reactions stopping all deep-water drilling thus hurting everyone and solving nothing, of saying stupid things like 'boot on the Neck' and 'kick some ass' etc. 

No, I have no problems with the prez playing golf or having personal concerts, after all, being prez is stressful.  But enough is enough already.  Prioritize, Mr. Prez, go to the funerals, not the fundraisers, and take advice from Oil execs, not movie execs. 

Mr Prez, After you give a speech at a High School about not finding blame, then go out and blame everyone else, who can take you seriously anymore?

Why isn't Greenpeace, Sierra Club, et al screaming their bloody heads off?  Why isn't the press treating this admin like they did after Katrina?

If I was Prez, how I would lead on this Gulf Oil Spill

I got to thinking about how I would lead if I was President.  This came about by a comment on one of my Facebook posts, so I figured I should elaborate.

1. Meet with BP CEO and keep an open line to make sure BP has whatever they need to be successful to stop the leak.  (Without talking to CEO, you can't hold him responsible to his words and actions.)
2. Put someone in charge to work directly with BP to ensure they have every resource available and to coordinate all military and non-military assets with BP. (This may be the only step actually being done)
3. Put someone in charge of oil containment -- give them authority to acquire whatever materials are needed and coordination of navy assets to get these materials installed. (Companies can make the booms if asked, some companies are making the booms unasked, but no one is taking them, unacceptable)
4. Put someone in charge to coordinate state efforts -- Whatever a Governor needs this person ensures they get, give authority to cut thru all red tape to expedite fedgov response  (It took LA almost 30 days to get approvals to do what they needed to do, totally unacceptable)
5. Put someone in charge to accept and coordinate Foreign aid in materials and assets. (Obama/Clinton has refused all foreign ad and materials, how stupid is that?)
6. Get the best experts into a room and include people who know how to deal with man-made disasters, such as the Iraqi oil well capping. This would mean enlisting the dreaded Haliburton who I'll bet can help. Contact Alaska's experts who have dealt with Exxon Valdez disaster. (James Cameron only shows how unserious this prez is)
7. Put someone in charge of the environmental issues --Ensure the environmental groups are heard ONLY if they have something constructive to contribute.
8. Put an accountant on the team just to keep track of the expenses. Whatever it takes now will be paid for later.
9. Put a lawyer on the team to document the process and hold people accountable AFTER the disaster is over. (lawsuit now only serves to dampen the spirit of cooperation and create an adversarial environment not conducive to solving the problem)
10. Finally, don't say things like 'boot on the neck' and 'find me some ass to kick', it demeans the office and shows how un-serious, un-engaged, uncooperative and disrespectful to those who are trying to solve this issue in good faith.

All of these 'someones' are cabinet level people who will drop whatever they are doing to focus on this.  Daily briefings will happen right after the NIA briefing, and any major roadblocks will be addressed immediately.

As we witness this disaster, little of the above has happened. This is a disaster of leadership.

Pelosi heckled at progressive conference

44 - Video: Pelosi heckled at progressive conference

What's worse... there is a sign that says 'Stop Funding Israeli Terror' right next to the stage. This is our Progressive, Liberal, Lefty attitude. Helen Thomas retired, but she was just echoing the sentiments of her political allies.

from the hypocrite files

Hot Air » NRSC web video: “Never Again”

Power Line - Global Warming In One State

Power Line - Global Warming In One State

Why are the moose leaving Minnesota?

Here's what puzzles me, though: isn't global warming supposed to be--you know--global? That being the case, why are moose populations "burgeoning" in Massachusetts, returning to Wisconsin, "growing" in Michigan, moving into Connecticut, where historically they did not live, "booming" in Oregon, "resurging" in Vermont, "increasing" in Washington, "growing exponentially" in New York, "significantly increas[ing]" in Colorado, and "growing" in Utah?

Perhaps because thats where the moose-jobs are?

Words have meaning, Mr. President

Ritz-Carlton to close 5-diamond Las Vegas hotel in May

"The whole demonization of luxury meetings and companies' pulling back on having their high-end meetings in luxury hotels -- this has had a tremendous impact on Las Vegas," Deuschl said. "I can't think of another destination that has had to defend itself more against comments from politicians."

350 jobs lost.

What's your point?

Moscow says U.S. missile shield aimed at Russia | Reuters

Snowstorm squelches climate change protest - Salt Lake Tribune

This should be a Saturday Night Live Sketch:

A downtown protest of the climate change talks in Copenhagen became a victim of Wednesday's snowstorm.
"Not many people showed up because of the blizzard conditions," said organizer Clea Major, an international studies student at the University of Utah.
It didn't take long for the six friends to pack up a bullhorn and posters they'd planned to use for their "scream-in," an outlet for their frustration about the failure of the Copenhagen climate talks earlier this month to curb the pollution blamed for climate change.
Still, they chatted with a few passers-by during the commuter-hour protest near the Gateway, and explained that, blizzard aside, climate change is expected to bring chaos to the global climate, said Major.
She called Wednesday evening's effort a success and possibly the first in a series. As for the snow, it's not entirely new; a protest she attended last year in Washington, D.C., suffered a similar fate.
"There is always the irony element," Major said.

I guess from Major's perspective it could be ironic, but from mine, its hilarious.